I did not realize how much time had passed since my last post! I knew it was getting up there… I’ve been working on that large pink thing painting and haven’t decided if I’m actually making progress or just slapping on coats of paint. My opinion waffles, so today I only worked on it for a bit and decided to prime a different canvas. Just getting it off my easel for a little while offers a break.
Here are 3 photos, each at different stages. The last photo being the current stage, of course.
A couple weeks ago, I completed the Fiction Project for the Art House Co-op. Still haven’t mailed it in (of course), but at least it’s done and…yeah. At least it’s done.
This is the first “story” I wrote in it. It wasn’t even near any intentions I had and like most things, it just happened. Not a terrific start and a strange following to the page before it, but I left it anyway. The writing is sloppy and rather than using the pages as pages, I used both as one large page. Confusing, messy, and not at all what I wanted to do. Enjoy (if you can)!
For pages 6-7 going along with the unsettling and/or depressing theme, I jotted some quick words about a fat girl that wasn’t really fat (to sum it up in the most non-colorful, downright boring way possible).
Pages 8 and 9 aren’t even a story. At least not one with words. But it is something that I would love to forget (since my theme is “I’m Sorry I Forgot You”).
10 and 11. Sad blue eyes, even when he smiles his most perfect smile. Blond hair (now dark blond/brown). Sweet, sweet child with a lot of anger. Jes. I have so much hope for him. I do.
I think the story on 12-13 is pretty self explanatory. It’s titled “My Moment with You” and it was very difficult to write. It’s even difficult to share by posting it here. The man I mentioned still doesn’t know about the existence of the story or my feelings, but I’m sure they’ll eventually be uncovered. When I wrote it the timing was perfect, in a way. Near the end, while writing my apology, I was experiencing what is written. The time of night, how I felt, everything. I didn’t go back to read over it for several days, and when I did, I found a few misspellings and things I wouldn’t have said had I not been in that state of mind. A big part of me wants to edit it, but I can’t allow myself to do that. It’s painful and makes me feel incredibly vulnerable, but I think it would be unfair to alter it, even for those reasons. So it stays as is.
I will be posting more of the project as I touch up the scans.
And has been…for a couple weeks!! I just haven’t mentioned it because I haven’t done any work in it yet. The reason I haven’t done any work in it yet is because I just finished illustrating THE FICTION PROJECT! I am SO horrible with these things. Thankfully Art House Co-op will still take my book. It won’t go on tour, but that’s cool because that wasn’t the point of me doing the Fiction Project anyway.
Since I’m terrible at most things having to do with paying attention, I didn’t realize that the sketchbook would be so much smaller than the fiction book. It has much better paper, though, and I am kind of excited about the size. Depending on my mood, I either have too much workspace or not enough. The size of the sketchbook is enough that I won’t be limited but also won’t be overwhelmed. It’s all good.
I haven’t finished my paper mache arm, yet. Things went awry in real life and I’ve not had a chance to get back to it. Soon, though. Soon. I need to see it finished and heft it about.
One thing I did manage to nearly complete (nearly completing things is a big step for me) is a painting that my friend, A wrote a poem about. I wanted to give it to him, but first I wanted to touch it up. I managed to do that! I also varnished it and now all I need to do is ship it to him. That’s the part that I was supposed to do earlier this week, but that’s another thing that was tossed to the side when life hit the fan! Soon…very soon!
That’s all I have for now. I’m not sure why but my head has been flooded with ideas and images that I need to do (I like to refer to them as “visions” because they feel like it, whether it’s when I’m dreaming or awake and they sort of flash in my brain and stick). Notepad has come in very handy for this. First I must ship out A’s painting. Then I must send the Fiction Project. Then I will get back to my own thing (the arm, the visions, etc…) while also working on the Sketchbook Project. All things will fall into place…they just have to.
It has been quite some time since I posted. For a few months, I’ve been gradually spiraling downward in depression. It hit and it hit hard, but yesterday and today seem okay for the most part. I’m certainly not feeling my norm, but I’m hoping I’ll get back there soon. Anyway, I’m feeling well enough to do artwork and, really, that’s all that matters.
Not ready to get back to that large painting I posted about earlier and not in the mood to work on a drawing I started, I decided to try to create something that has been stuck in my head for years. Several months ago, while pondering this idea, I figured out what materials would be best to use to create it exactly how I want it. Flour, water, and newspaper (or some other kinds of paper). Yes…paper mache. Or papier-mache if you’re too cool for paper mache 😉
I’m notorious for my snobbery when it comes to supplies – not to other artists and their choices, but to my own. And not all the time, either. Just once in a while, I’ll turn my nose up at an idea I have as the words “Well you’re not an artist, then” float through my head (not said by me, but to me…more on that later). Certain things/people make me doubt my abilities, but then I remember the images that float through my head (and sometimes stick for years) and my ability to put them in physical form. And then I consider the fact these people that enjoy telling me what I am or am not are not able to do this. The satisfaction I feel when I remember that not all of me sucks is good and also acts a a giant middle finger to those naysayers. “You can say that, but look what I can do!”
Knowing these things about me, I sort of feel like I’m having a sordid affair by using paper mache. It feels good, though. I love messy and I love getting my hands thoroughly involved in what I’m doing. Paper mache lets me do that. I get to enjoy the feel of sculpting at a much cheaper cost than clay!
Here are a couple progress photos taken on June 16th :
Back to work today – I took more photos yesterday that I will post later. My original intention was to keep the fingers and wrist flexible, but while working on it yesterday, I decided against that and formed the hand into a position that I found attractive.
I was fortunate enough to go to Area 15 and experience Listener first hand. When I first found them, I was blown away by not only the presentation of Dan Smith and Chris Nelson, but also the words. Words are severely important to me, so if you have a song that doesn’t have much to say, chances are I’m not going to dig it. Listener is like heavy poetry with instruments. The timing of the instruments really adds to the overall effect of the song and the experience for us, the listeners. The very first song I heard, “Wooden Heart” would be the perfect example of this. In this version, Dan is speaking at the beginning, not accompanied by anything but his energy. Toward the middle Chris starts to play light, individual guitar notes, held long that slither through Dan’s words and create a thick feeling. Like they’re letting you know you’re going to hear something important, so pay attention. And from that point on, everything that is said, accompanied by the guitar, is heavy. Very heavy. The timing of the guitar and the words that follow made my heart race, and do so every time I listen. I can’t help but, nearing the end of the song, allow the lump in my throat some give and open up the floodgates. Every time. I think that is a song that I could listen to every day for the rest of my life and still end up crying at the end. The imagery is outstanding and I can’t think of a single person, good or bad, that wouldn’t be able to relate to it in some way.
So, when the chance came for me to see them on Saturday, I took it. Because I don’t leave my apartment that often (checking the mail is a feat, at times) and haven’t really been out in almost a year, I was very nervous. I was nervous about the drive into NoDa and nervous about being there. The “what ifs” swarmed around in my brain and my heart felt like it was going to give out several times. Enter Valium. That helped. What also helped was Jeremy. Jer enjoys picking on me because of my taste in…everything. Music, movies, etc… We’re opposites with most things. I wanted so badly to share Listener with him, but I was worried that it would be yet another thing he would pick on me about. I chose to link him to “Ozark Empire, or a snakeoil salesman comes to your town” because the meaning of the song is something I knew he could relate to, plus it was a video so it didn’t nearly show Dan’s energy that some find off-putting. Win-win. He listened to it and hasn’t stopped since. He was 100% in for everything – really into Listener, wanting to go with me to see them and be in a community that he always thought he would feel uncomfortable in. Brilliant. Everything was brilliant. He was so into the people and the group that he melted into the community that he was worried about fitting in with. It was beautiful.
I attempted to talk to Dan and Chris, but I didn’t do very well. I’m known for writing well and speaking like shit. That’s what happened. There were so many things that I wanted to tell them and I couldn’t get any of it out. I didn’t want to gush or proclaim my love for them or anything. Really, I just wanted to thank them for doing what they do and how they do it. There’s a lot of love there, in the words and everything. I can’t call it a performance, because that word makes me think of something that’s put on, feigned – nothing like what Dan and Chris offer. They’re both very down to earth and friendly and…genuine. Dan’s handshake is firm and he has a very intense fire behind his eyes. Intimidating, but not for the purpose of being so. Chris has an childlike smile and seems to be softer and lighter, with a handshake to match. To help us, mainly me, remember everything about that night, we have a photo. Jeremy is standing between Chris and Dan, all three looking as though they hang out all the time, and Jeremy’s face is lit up more than I’ve ever seen. It’s great to see his light. I’m looking forward to the next time we get to experience Listener. Perhaps then I won’t mumble and stutter.
I finished writing in my Fiction Project book last night. The last story is completed and now I just need to illustrate it and send it. I contacted the staff at Art House Coop to make sure they would still accept my project even though I am really, really late. I know that it won’t go on tour, but that’s okay because the whole point of me doing it was to actually complete something. As usual, I’m running behind, but that disappointment is balanced out by the weird sense of accomplishment I get every time I get closer to sending it. Oh, and they will still accept it.
I will be signing up for the Sketchbook Project today (or tomorrow). That isn’t due until January 2012, so I’m pretty sure I have time. I only had a bit over a month to do the Fiction Project because I didn’t know about it until 3 days before registration ended. I got the book sometime in April.
So, yeah. For the past week, while working on the FP, I take breaks more often just to do quick drawings that aren’t related to the project at all. They’re not anything but ways of relaxing and exercising my hand. As always, the “meaningless doodles” are potentially vulgar and sensorially offensive.
On Saturday I realized that the Fiction Project had to be there by May 16th, not just postmarked. I’m so disappointed in myself, however I will still be sending it. It won’t go on tour, but that’s okay…it is important for me to finish it and send it. To actually complete something!
I was looking through my sketchbook (unrelated to The Sketchbook Project, which I have yet to register for) and have really been in the mood to take some of the ideas and put them on “good” paper with “good” supplies. Either watercolors or colored pencil…not sure which, yet, but I’m looking forward to being completely finished with the Fiction Project so I can work on some drawings.
Going back to the Fiction Project, I wrote 4 short stories on Friday night that I still need to copy into the book (avec illustrations). By the middle of the 4th story I was so exhausted that I was hitting the backspace key more than any other one. When I read through them on Saturday, I realized that I must have started getting tired during the 2nd story because anything past the first one was total shit! I rewrote the second and read it to JD twice. He didn’t get it the first time ’round, but really enjoyed it the second time (I think it’s because I have a nasty habit of stopping to explain something, and I didn’t do that the second time).
JD is terrific in so many ways, but I will admit that one of the things I appreciate most about him is that he has such a fantastic imagination and he’s deeply creative. Any time I want something read over, he’s the first person I go to because of these abilities. Some of the stories in my Fiction Project I’ve gone over with him before I entered them in the book…I’m excited to put these 4 in there today.
Whew! Hopefully I will be done today and can have JD mail it out tomorrow or, since he has Wednesday off, I may mail it out then.
Either works. I just got back from the dentist and while preparing to go back to working on the Fiction Project, I realized that I don’t have ANYTHING in my head right now. Nada. Anything worthwhile to use, anyway.
I have had a large canvas on my easel for a few-several months. I started the painting in January and worked on it for a few weeks, then stopped. So it just sits there. I didn’t take it off the easel when I rearranged my “studio”, so when I moved it, I hurt my back because of the weight and awkwardness…maybe I’m angry with it. Anyway, I thought posting photos of what progress I did make on it would be motivational for me.
This is what it started out as:
Then it turned into this:
I don’t know if you noticed, but they’re two different paintings. I started out in one direction, then decided to Thelma & Louise that idea, and covered it up with this. This is not unusual…I think well over 3/4 of all my paintings have at least 1 completely different painting under them. I have lots of canvases that have several paintings on them. I don’t know why I do it…I just do.
This is what it looks like right now:
Slight progress…enough progress that I’m able to remember where I was heading and I want to keep that direction.
Maybe I’ll write about it! Probably not. *sigh* Off to attempt to make something worthwhile!
I am a procrastinator. A horrible one. Thankfully, Art House Co-op has extended the deadline for the Fiction Project from May 1st to May 16th! Unfortunately, extended deadlines enable me to be at a standstill and continue to put things off. I’m not going to allow myself to do that, though! I have a lot of empty space left (a LOT) and not much time to fill it up.
Inspiration comes quite easy, but motivation does not. I know what I want to do, but I don’t know how to word it or express it. Another lesson in not being so hard on myself and not worry about perfection!