Sensible blathering…

So, the whole purpose of this blog is to make myself get off my keister and keep being creative. I sometimes forget that one creative thing I enjoy doing is writing. One of the many things I wanted to be as a child was a writer! I loved it and still do. Lately, though, I have shoved it aside and focused more on the idea of making artwork (I would say doing artwork, but I haven’t been doing much these past couple weeks) and beating myself up for procrastinating.

Writing certainly makes my head work and when my head is working, ideas always come to me – including ideas for visual works. So…I’m writing. I had thought about making yet another blog strictly for “Sensible Blathering” but, honestly, I have too many blogs. Way too many. Since I’ve been using “It Does Art”, I haven’t posted to the others, so there is no point in creating another one that will eventually be neglected. I’ll just blather here because it’s tied to being creative!

A little known fact about me: I have started writing 3 books in my life. One was started when I was still in high school and the other two were started in my early 20s. Note I said started instead of completed. Yes…procrastinator. I like the idea of going back to them, but out of the 3, 2 will not be picked up where I left off because I’m not the same as I was then. However, I can still take the ideas and form them around who I am now and the similar messages I want to convey. I think about them often and I think about how much motivation I had when I started them and how I just became overwhelmed with life in general, not the writing. I think about how I am now and there are still aspects of me that haven’t changed much – the main one being my attention span and how frustratingly short it is. It’s something I work on and as long as I’m doing something to keep my head working in a creative manner, I’m okay with it.

I keep reminding myself that there really isn’t anything I’m incapable of doing. That includes finishing books, creating serious/ridiculous artwork, or even going outside when I’m just too afraid. It’s the same for you. Not a “if you dream it, you can do it” message – more of a “break things down into their simplest forms so you can see how non-complicated things can be”.

I want to make a candle holder out of paper-mache/papier-mache – I realize this would be along the lines of ridiculous artwork. Woohoo fire!

Hello stomach virus…

How are you this evening?

Nature put me out of commission for a few days and while I was hoping that I would be well enough to accomplish something productive today, I didn’t. I was well enough to, but I had a lot of cleaning to catch up on. Plus I don’t consider cleaning productive – my kind of productive anyway.

Thankfully my illness opened my head up a bit and allowed a few ideas through. I’m excited to start working on them tomorrow. Whilst in bed and unable to move, I was stuck with the t.v. I found a show called…well, something about art. It had “art” in the title. I watched 2 episodes (they were about an hour long) and although I missed most of the second episode (sleep attacked me), I was pleased with what I saw of the first. It’s about an art competition; 10 (or so) artists compete for their own show at the Brooklyn Art Museum. The first contestant to get canned was Ugo; a beautiful Frenchman whose style is similar to that of Keith Haring. Initially his piece was unimpressive and boring…lots of red layers. But then he removed the red backdrop and WOW. It seemed like it came alive. It was unfortunate he didn’t remove the red backdrop from the get-go – undoubtedly that would have saved him.

Don Vito the “Pig” is running laps around his cage and it’s loud, so I’m retiring for the night. Since I haven’t posted to this, I will leave you with a picture I drew while working as a TSR. No thought involved (obviously) – simply sitting in front of a computer, listening to people threaten to end my life because they have no internet connection. Sometimes I actually miss that job, but I think it’s because I was good at it and there are very few things I’m good at.

Goodnight!

My difficulty with writing…

Those that know me have often been subjected to very long emails nearing novelette lengths. And they’re just emails. They’re filled with possible ramblings or just several paragraphs of intense thought. But still…they’re emails. They should be short and to the point.

I’ve been working on that, so now my emails usually are short and to the point, but I really have to fight off rambling and giving every detail of every thing I’m attempting to communicate. I think partly it’s because of my fear of being misunderstood. This carries on into my blogs.

When I create a post that involves a drawing, it’s much easier for me to just quickly jot down a few thoughts about the image and leave it at that. I certainly have an urge to go in depth and tell you every thought I have about not only the resulting image, but also my feelings on it while creating it and so on. What happens is I end up with a very, very long post that not many people will want to read. Plus, when I write like that it seems I get burned out. So much so that I won’t post for a very long time after. Obviously, that happens now without the burnout, but I’m working on that too!

I feel internally divided – where one part wants to share a lot with the world and be very open about everything (I think letting people know they’re not alone while still acknowledging their unique circumstances is important) and the other part wants to remain closed off, severely private and almost cold, I suppose. It’s a constant battle and whoever the victor is depends on my mood that day or moment.

The reason I’m thinking about these things tonight and writing about it is because I want to try to find a middle ground or at least a comfortable place with my posting (and myself). Presenting those pieces as I do was a big deal for me because there is a lot (a LOT) of resistance from my family and some friends about the type of work I do and it’s always been a struggle trying to feel good about myself and please them at the same time. My family likes what I do as long as it’s not what “I” do, if that makes sense. I don’t think I would ever be able to show them the works that I post here and the amazing thing is that these pieces have been very well received by others – I didn’t think that was possible. The voices of my family rotate through my head when I make those sometimes, so to hear/read positive messages/critiques about them floors me.

I know that when some people meet me and then see my artwork, their initial impression of me goes through a pretty large overhaul. I could say that I’m not a violent person; I’m actually very peaceful, but that’s not entirely true. It goes back to that division I mentioned earlier – part of me is violent and angry and the other part is incredibly peaceful and loving. That’s not to say that the work is violent though. I don’t think it is. I think the last two images I posted are actually very loving and represent an ultimate of something…maybe self-sacrifice? There are so many themes that could be applied and, if it were up to me, “violent” would be at the end of the list.

I like to keep this blog not too personal, but not so distant either. I hope I’m achieving that. I’m pretty sure I rambled…

The Fiction Project: Round 2 (and 3, 4, 5, etc…)

A couple weeks ago, I completed the Fiction Project for the Art House Co-op. Still haven’t mailed it in (of course), but at least it’s done and…yeah. At least it’s done.

This is the first “story” I wrote in it. It wasn’t even near any intentions I had and like most things, it just happened. Not a terrific start and a strange following to the page before it, but I left it anyway.  The writing is sloppy and rather than using the pages as pages, I used both as one large page.  Confusing, messy, and not at all what I wanted to do.  Enjoy (if you can)!

**

For pages 6-7 going along with the unsettling and/or depressing theme, I jotted some quick words about a fat girl that wasn’t really fat (to sum it up in the most non-colorful, downright boring way possible).

**

Pages 8 and 9 aren’t even a story.  At least not one with words.  But it is something that I would love to forget (since my theme is “I’m Sorry I Forgot You”).

**

10 and 11.  Sad blue eyes, even when he smiles his most perfect smile.  Blond hair (now dark blond/brown).  Sweet, sweet child with a lot of anger.  Jes.  I have so much hope for him.  I do.

**

I think the story on 12-13 is pretty self explanatory.  It’s titled “My Moment with You” and it was very difficult to write.  It’s even difficult to share by posting it here.  The man I mentioned still doesn’t know about the existence of the story or my feelings, but I’m sure they’ll eventually be uncovered.  When I wrote it the timing was perfect, in a way.  Near the end, while writing my apology, I was experiencing what is written.  The time of night, how I felt, everything.  I didn’t go back to read over it for several days, and when I did, I found a few misspellings and things I wouldn’t have said had I not been in that state of mind.  A big part of me wants to edit it, but I can’t allow myself to do that.  It’s painful and makes me feel incredibly vulnerable, but I think it would be unfair to alter it, even for those reasons.  So it stays as is.

I will be posting more of the project as I touch up the scans.

Finally the writing is fin…

I finished writing in my Fiction Project book last night. The last story is completed and now I just need to illustrate it and send it. I contacted the staff at Art House Coop to make sure they would still accept my project even though I am really, really late. I know that it won’t go on tour, but that’s okay because the whole point of me doing it was to actually complete something. As usual, I’m running behind, but that disappointment is balanced out by the weird sense of accomplishment I get every time I get closer to sending it. Oh, and they will still accept it.

I will be signing up for the Sketchbook Project today (or tomorrow). That isn’t due until January 2012, so I’m pretty sure I have time. I only had a bit over a month to do the Fiction Project because I didn’t know about it until 3 days before registration ended. I got the book sometime in April.

So, yeah. For the past week, while working on the FP, I take breaks more often just to do quick drawings that aren’t related to the project at all. They’re not anything but ways of relaxing and exercising my hand. As always, the “meaningless doodles” are potentially vulgar and sensorially offensive.

I missed the boat!!

On Saturday I realized that the Fiction Project had to be there by May 16th, not just postmarked. I’m so disappointed in myself, however I will still be sending it. It won’t go on tour, but that’s okay…it is important for me to finish it and send it. To actually complete something!

I was looking through my sketchbook (unrelated to The Sketchbook Project, which I have yet to register for) and have really been in the mood to take some of the ideas and put them on “good” paper with “good” supplies. Either watercolors or colored pencil…not sure which, yet, but I’m looking forward to being completely finished with the Fiction Project so I can work on some drawings.

Going back to the Fiction Project, I wrote 4 short stories on Friday night that I still need to copy into the book (avec illustrations). By the middle of the 4th story I was so exhausted that I was hitting the backspace key more than any other one. When I read through them on Saturday, I realized that I must have started getting tired during the 2nd story because anything past the first one was total shit! I rewrote the second and read it to JD twice. He didn’t get it the first time ’round, but really enjoyed it the second time (I think it’s because I have a nasty habit of stopping to explain something, and I didn’t do that the second time).

JD is terrific in so many ways, but I will admit that one of the things I appreciate most about him is that he has such a fantastic imagination and he’s deeply creative. Any time I want something read over, he’s the first person I go to because of these abilities. Some of the stories in my Fiction Project I’ve gone over with him before I entered them in the book…I’m excited to put these 4 in there today.

Whew! Hopefully I will be done today and can have JD mail it out tomorrow or, since he has Wednesday off, I may mail it out then.

Art House Co-op’s “The Fiction Project”

I missed the boat for the Sketchbook Project. I remember finding it online and I was thrilled that something like this existed and I really wanted to do it. But then the idea drifted from my head. I was still on meds, therefore still not “there”. So in March I found it again (remembering that I had wanted to do it) but since I was late, I saw “The Fiction Project” and, with 3 days left to sign up, I jumped on it.

The Fiction Project is similar to the Sketchbook Project, except you write stories. Or poems. Really, it seems you can do whatever you want, as long as you try to keep a bit over half the book written rather than drawn. Writing has always been a large part of my life. When I would think about what I wanted to do (not what other people wanted me to do) being an artist was always first and being a writer came in as a “second first”.

I received the blank cashier’s book a couple of weeks ago and I have a whopping 9 pages done. I have about a week to get it sent back to them (must be postmarked by May 1st). I tore out 4 pages because, being a perfectionist, I couldn’t get it the way I wanted it. I’ve stopped doing that. It’s far from perfect, far from what I would like it to be, but it still gets the point across. I’ve used watercolors, marker, ink, acrylic, and pencil. The paper in the book is very light, so it’s certainly not made for watercolors or really anything beyond a marker. I don’t care. It works.

The theme I chose is “I’m Sorry I Forgot You”. Out of all of them, I felt that one would be most appropriate. There are a lot of ways that theme can be applied, so I’m trying to work them all.

Here is the first page of my book…a page of notes. I like order…at first. I created a page of short notes thinking that I would be able to organize the book and make everything neat and tidy, but then my reality hit and since I’m none of those things, neither is the book. It’s a catch-all of thoughts. Chaotic.

This is the back of the first page:

The last picture I’ll post is the page opposite of the above page. It’s just a quick illustration relevant to my inability to always decipher reality from fantasy.

More to come!